Far From Safe

For the last six weeks, I’ve been pretty secluded.

Secluded and safe in my postpartum bubble, enjoying the life of a mother of two—Wyatt now has a brother, Finlay. He was born on May 6th—six days early—and is the angel baby I dreamed of. My maternity leave has been less chaotic this time around—which I’ve been told is usually the case with the second child because you sort of know what you’re doing and the constant paranoia of accidentally killing your child has dissipated. But the peace and safety of my bubble seems to be constantly disrupted by the hellfire of the outside world.

And yes, I’m emphasizing the word SAFE for a reason.

The rush of hormones usually make a woman extra emotional in the weeks after birth; I remember crying after Wyatt’s birth for the stupidest things, like the supermarket not having my brand of butter (True story. Ask my husband). I was expecting that. What I wasn’t expecting was the bawl my eyes out every time I turned on the news—which is rare.

Because right now, I feel far from SAFE.

I say this without an ounce of exaggeration: The world is FUCKING SCARY.

I’m not sure if this has always been the case or if I’m just hyper-sensitive to it because I am currently forced to sit still, but every other week there seems to be yet another headline-breaking, earth-shattering, tidal wave of turmoil that is hell bent on sending the world’s population into a tailspin. Like the cosmos is in some sick competition within itself to see how much the human population can take. Because I have cried more in the last few months over world issues than I have in my entire thirty-six years of existence. And I know I’m not the only one.

I have very strong opinions about two things from the last few weeks. Opinions that I’ve been open about in my personal life—with family and friends—but not on this blog. Each of these could easily become a blog on its own; I’ve half written them in my head. But before I could bring myself to commit my thoughts to page—before I could come to terms with ones of these atrocious events—another situation would sweep my emotions away. On top of this, each of these events have been VERY polarized by mass media and those in the political spectrum. Which in itself is VERY frustrating; can’t we just view horrific events through the lens of humanity, and not by political party lines? Or by the evil spewed by the uneducated? This, in itself, has caused me to second guess writing out my thoughts here. Typically, I’ve steered away from cultural happenings and stuck to blogging about my writing process or personal life, but how can I stay silent when speaking out is so important? With that in mind, do I really want to potentially piss off a subset of my readers who don’t agree with my opinions?

Well. Keeping my mouth shut has never been my style.

Uvalde

It was the day after the shooting.

I was sitting in my parent’s living room, rocking my newborn to sleep when the newscaster started reading off the names of the 19 children (and 2 teachers) who were gunned down unmercifully at Robb Elementary in Uvalde, Texas. He spoke of the dreams of those children, what they aspired to be when they grew up—or even just their plans for the summer—but instead, how their grief-stricken parents had to provide DNA samples so they could be identified.

Because the assault rifle’s exit wounds left the bodies unrecognizable.

I started hysterically crying. I put myself in the shoes of those parents. I imagined sending the child I was rocking in my arms to school and expecting him to come home. SAFE. To then go to a morgue and identify his body instead. Oh God, it was too much to bear. My husband wrapped me in a hug and my dad said, “Turn the channel.” I told him no; we needed to watch it.

The next day, my dad called. Which isn’t uncommon; he calls me and each of my sisters once a day at a certain time. But this time his voice was a bit more solemn. “You know what happened in Texas was awful. But the Second Amendment…” I started to cut him off; for the last 2 years, we’ve been at odds when it comes to political beliefs and I just didn’t want to go down that road at the expense of 19 children.

“No. Let me finish,” he said. “I believe in the Second Amendment. I believe people have a right to bear arms. I have never touched a gun. Will never own a gun, or allow one in my house. Because I’ve seen what they can do. When I was 3, I had a friend whose older brother found their father’s gun in a closet. He pointed it at his 3-year old brother’s—my friend’s—head and pulled the trigger. The gun was loaded.”

This was over 60 years ago and the emotion in my Dad’s voice was still very raw.

“Back then, they didn’t have funeral parlors so they had wakes right in the living room. Mom-Mom took me down to the house and made me go inside to pay my respects. It was an open casket. I think she did it to scare the shit out of me. And it did,” he laughed.

“We have the Second Amendment for a reason and I’d never vote to take that away. But this... well I’ll tell ya, if something like that ever happened to one of you, the guy who did it wouldn’t make it to prison. And I wouldn’t be holding a gun.”

It was a revelation for me. A story I’d never heard because I know he held it tight to his chest; undoubtedly, the trauma still lingers for him. How could it not? Many across this country have similar stories and still agree with my dad; guns aren’t bad, the people who wield them are.

But what is the sense in allowing military-style, automatic weapons on our streets? And what possible reason could an ordinary citizen have in owning a gun of that power? You aren’t hunting with them or have a truly rational need to protect your home with them—which was the original intention behind the Second Amendment. So why?

*deafening silence*

I’m like my dad. I’ve never touched a gun. I will never touch a gun. Nor will my husband and I ever allow one in our home—the U.K. has very strict gun laws and the debate on gun safety is unfathomable to my husband. But with the increase in school shootings, I am TERRIFIED for my children.

I am a child of Columbine—I was in 6th grade when two teenagers entered their Colorado high school and killed twelve of their classmates and one teacher. I don’t remember being scared to go to school the next day; I remember fearing kids in trench coats and stores like Hot Topic (because society told us that “goth” kids were the problem, not the broken mental health system). But school was still a safe place for me. Because Columbine was a high school and high schoolers were practically adults. It could never happen in an elementary or middle school. Never.

But then it did. Again. And again.

After Sandy Hook I thought, “Something will change. It has to! We can’t let another parent bury their child!” But it didn’t. And the shootings continued.

I don’t want my children to grow up in fear. Or be trained to hide under their desks during an Active Shooter Drill—fucking crazy that its come to that! I want them to feel safe at school. And I don’t want to get one of those phone calls. I’m not alone in this—most of the country believes we need stricter background checks including mental health screenings and age limits for those trying to purchase guns.

But here’s the truth; politicians don’t listen to the voices of those they are elected to represent. They listen to the money. And their egos.

The lives of those children mean NOTHING when they need money during a reelection year. So Robb Elementary will join the list of countless other schools where gun violence has claimed the lives of its children; a list that will continue to build until someone has the balls to stop it.

I know for certain that I won’t see it in my lifetime. Which sucks.

More than I can explain.

Roe V. Wade

I want to preface this by saying I was raised Catholic. 

I made all my sacraments and went to mass most Sundays of my childhood, where pictures of aborted babies were handed out with the church bulletin. Abstinence was preached as the only viable form of birth control and dressing modestly the only way to protect yourself from “evil men”; equally, sex before marriage would send you straight to hell. And that “pro-choice” meant “pro-abortion”. As a God-fearing child, I never thought to question it; if my parents were co-signing these lessons they must be true, right? 

But as a 36 year-old woman, I am vehemently pro-choice. Life taught me that CHOICE is an inherent human right. I am allowed to make an educated decision on what is best for MY BODY and not judge anyone who CHOOSES something different—empathy and compassion are Christlike qualities, or so my mother has always said.

Roe V. Wade protected that right to CHOOSE. 

Until Friday. 

Was I surprised that SCOTUS overturned Roe? There have been rumblings of it for months, only intensified after a Supreme Court draft was “leaked” in May. But even with all of that, I was still kind of surprised. A small part of me believed our highest court was unbiased and not allowed to put self-interest first. I thought that was the whole point of a court at that level—and aren’t potential jurors excused if they have any favored-leaning in a normal court case?

Welp. I was wrong.

6 judges—3 of which claimed Roe V. Wade was settled law during their confirmation hearings—voted that Roe V. Wade was unconstitutional and the decision made 50 years ago was “egregiously wrong.” That the Fourteenth Amendment—or the fundamental “right to privacy”—does not and should not include a woman’s right to an abortion. Reproductive Rights were now up to the individual State Legislatures.

13 States—Arkansas, Idaho, Kentucky, Louisiana, Mississippi, Missouri, North Dakota, Oklahoma, South Dakota, Tennessee, Texas, Utah, and Wyoming—had “trigger laws” banning abortion immediately. Another 13 are expected to follow in the coming weeks. The panic must be palpable for the women in the above states. Especially if a procedure is scheduled in the very near future.

Because for many, an abortion is a lifesaving tool. NOT a form of birth control, which many on the opposite side of aisle fail to understand.

I live in Pennsylvania, a state that is unlikely to enact strict abortion laws—well, as long as nothing crazy happens in November. I’m also lucky in the fact that I have good health insurance, a supportive husband and the ability to support a child—now two. But my rage at Friday’s decision isn’t any less. I can’t, for the life of me, understand how something like this can happen in 2022. How the self-serving ideology of five men and one woman (that, in itself, BLOWS my mind) could set our society back fifty years.

Because the fact of the matter is that abortions will still happen, regardless of their legality. The rich will still pay for their dirty little secrets to disappear—yup, I said it! As they say, “those who bark the loudest are the most guilty.”

Roe V. Wade assured the safety and accessibility of these procedures to all. The poorest and marginalized will suffer. Rape victims will suffer. Young girls, too young to be mothers, will suffer. Pregnant cancer patients will suffer. Inviable pregnancies will be forced to term. The implications of this are far reaching and so unbelievably dangerous. Like I said, abortions are not sought as a form of birth control by most. They are a last resort.

They save lives.

And if you don’t believe in abortions, THEN DON’T HAVE ONE.

Look, let’s get real for a second: I’ve never had an abortion. I’ve never had to agonize over that decision or sit in a doctors office and be told that the baby I wanted so desperately had formed without vital organs. I’ve never had to “selfishly” put my life first, or come to the realization that I cannot support a child. I’ve never been brutally raped, only to find out I was carrying my assailant’s child. But I know people who have, and they carry that shame—that question if they made the right CHOICE—for the rest of their lives. Truthfully, I don’t know what I’d do if faced with a decision of that magnitude. But I would NEVER EVER expect anyone to adhere to my beliefs, or judge them for making their own decision.

One thing I do know: no man has a right to dictate what I do with my body. And like many, we won’t take this laying down. They’ve awakened a beast; one that won’t go quietly into the night. This isn’t over. Not by a long shot. And they’ll regret the day they ever thought to challenge our rights.

I don’t know what the future holds on either of these issues—gun control or reproductive rights. Both are interconnected; can you truly claim to be pro-life and be okay with what happened at Robb Elementary? You can’t claim to protect life “from the moment of conception” and be okay with those same babies being gunned down in their elementary schools.

Sorry, nope.

Go find another soap box to climb on.

I hope something changes. I hope my sons grow up in a world where they don’t have to fear going to school. A world where a woman is seen as capable of making her own health decisions—you know, a HUMAN.

I’ll be fighting for that safe future.