I carry
That morning.
After I opened your bedroom curtains and the sun gleamed on your perfect little face,
I brushed the hair from your forehead and leaned in to whisper, “Good morning.”
Your blue eyes fluttered open as you asked, “School today?”
Yes, I replied. You happily jumped out of bed,
Chattering on about the Hulk and Spiderman as I helped you dress.
We hustled downstairs, threw on your shoes and coat and followed Daddy outside.
We were running late.
I carry
That last kiss after I buckled you in your car seat,
Conscious of the ever-ticking clock and building traffic.
You pulled me in for a hug.
“See ya later, alligator. Love you Mommy!”
I told you to be good and closed the car door.
Behind the tinted glass, I saw your wave.
The engine purred to life and I watched as Daddy pulled onto the street.
I carry
Those last words.
The last time our eyes met and
Your cheeky little grin.
The way you said Mommy.
I can still feel that hug; your tiny little hands gripping tight and your sweet breath on my neck.
I wish I had held you longer.
Because it was our last.
I carry
My grief like I carried you for eight months, twenty-seven days.
That day has become my waking nightmare.
That day stole my heart.
Stole my joy and ended my life,
Like it did yours.
I carry
The guilt that I sent you to school.
Because it would never,
Could never,
Happen here.
I carry
Unanswered questions, consumed by dark thoughts
About those last precious moments.
When the bullets started to sing,
Did you cry out my name?
Were you peeking from beneath your desk towards the door?
Looking for me, because I promised
I’d always
Come for you.
Now, I carry
You.
The loss of you.
Everyday.
The dreams that will never be.
The child in pictures who never ages.
The sleepless teenage years I’ll never experience.
The adult I’ll never get to know.
The time that was stolen from you.
I carry
The knowledge that things will never change.
That your life and sacrifice matters to no one but me.
That all of this—this pain—will happen again and again
To another family.
At this very moment,
Another mother is sending her baby to slaughter,
And that is the heaviest burden of them all.