Stuck

You know the phrase “Stuck in a rut.” Ever think of where it originated?

No? Just me?

Well I did the heavy lifting for us all and looked it up on Google;

…from the early 1800's when wheels from covered wagons would eventually end up in a “rut” or in a worn groove in a path. Of course quite literally being “stuck in rut” in that day meant that it would be difficult to get out and move along in the journey.

Figuratively, the phrase is used to describe a state of being settled or established in a habit that is boring. To a person experiencing it, it feels like you are emotionally stagnant and lacking motivation. However you spin it, the expression perfectly sums up my current creative and emotional psyche. If you haven’t noticed—my non-existent ego doesn’t actually believe anyone has noticed it but me—this site has been silent and stagnant for a few months now. Which I hate more than I can adequately describe. This is the one place that is all mine; where I get to be as creative as I want to be. And when this site went live, I wanted to keep content flowing on a pretty regular basis so I made an internal goal for myself: one blog or story a month. At the time, I thought that would be an easy task. Like hello! I wrote two books that were over three hundred pages a piece. One blog is NOTHING compared to that.

Well. That goal was lofty at best. And unattainable, as you can see from the last few months. I have fallen short. Way short. Like missing the last six steps on a winding staircase and falling flat on my face, short.

I’ve just been…stuck. And it isn’t for a lack of trying; a topic for this very blog has been alluding me for months. Inspiration, in itself, has been running from me with no shin splints in sight.

And I know full well why; my “wheel” has become very much stuck in the rut of daily adult life. I don’t really have the time nor the energy to devote to anything but survival. My days are very Groundhog Day-esque—a topic I’ve divulged in multiple blogs, so I won’t bore you again here. When you have kids, “normalcy” and a strict routine isn’t the worst thing. Actually, you want a sickeningly normal week because that means you didn’t get a call from daycare at 10am because your kid split his lip on a classroom table, so you need to pick him up to take him to the ER so they can traumatize him (and you) by putting ONE stitch in said lip that he will inevitably yank out of within 12-hours of the whole ordeal—true story. A normal week with no headaches is the goal. I’m also a creature of habit and control to begin with, so knowing exactly what my day has in store for me is my safe place. Change or anything unexpected is not my cup-of-tea.

But my comfortability and a need for routine is the reason inspiration has been lacking. It’s like that quote from Einstein; “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.” How can I expect to feel inspired in any way if my only goal is to end the day on my couch, watching mindless tv for 2 hours before I pass out. Mere survival—and couch-potato status—doesn’t generate the excitement needed to get the creative juices flowing.

So, how does one get un-stuck and break the comfortable habits that have consumed every aspect of my life?

For one, writing this blog.

I evil-glared at my husband a few weeks ago when he made the suggestion, “Just write something!” Because it’s SO EASY! As a rule, I don’t like to force the creative process. Writing just to write has never served me and I don’t want my creative outlet to become a chore, where I do it daily just to check a mental box. I just don’t see the merit in it; except to get frustrated when all I’m producing is shit. But maybe that mindset has to change? Maybe I need to reinstitute a writing schedule for myself, like a lot of writers do. I’ve seen a twitter (or whatever it’s called these days) handle called#5amwritersclub, where a subset of authors write for an hour a day starting at that time. In reality, writers have an innate time of day where they know they produce the best material. So most schedule their writing during that time. Others have a daily word count that they have to hit; when they sit down at their computer, they won’t leave that seat until a certain amount of words are committed to page.

And maybe rejuvenating my creative process doesn’t need to be reserved to just writing; it could include reading or researching my next novel (more on that later). More than anything else, I need to get back into a reading habit. Doom scrolling and watching trashy television is okay on a minimal level, but not when you’re slowly starting to feel your brain rot—I’m creeping closer and closer to that stage. I miss reading and its by far and away the easiest swap for television or being glued to social media.

Forcing creativity may be the only way to get my ass back into gear. Like what’s the worst that can happen?

A different kind of effort is required to unstick my non-creative life because comfortability is hard to break within a family dynamic. There just aren’t enough hours in the day and my kids’ happiness is my priority. But I’ve realized my marriage and my own happiness need to start edging their way pack into a distant second. And I am trying; two weeks ago, my husband and I had our first date night in 6-months. *Here, I’ll help you pick you jaw up off the floor.* It wasn’t much—we literally went out and grabbed dinner for two hours. Arranging babysitters outside of the work week is something I absolutely HATE—thus the reason for a 6-month dry spell. I don’t like asking for help, especially when I ask so much of the people who I would usually call to babysit (i.e. my parents, who already help us two days a week). I’ve finally come around to the fact that I need to have a regular babysitter on retainer, just so my husband and I can have a bit of time alone. I also need to start prioritizing Me -Time; again, nothing huge, just a few hours to myself to hang out with friends or time away from the kids. That probably hasn’t happened since August. Another thing my husband has been encouraging me to do, but my guilt (and laziness) has been preventing me.

So I’ve made my declaration here. I will get off this couch and start forcing creativity, along with prioritizing Me - Time. All of this may be a bit boring to you, my reader, but it’s my way of holding myself accountable with a time stamp. Let’s see how this goes ;/